


The (Less Than) Epic of Gilgamesh

by Rethira



Category: Original Work, The Epic of Gilgamesh
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-26
Updated: 2014-07-26
Packaged: 2018-02-10 12:25:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2025072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rethira/pseuds/Rethira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once upon a time, there was a mighty king. Actually no.</p>
<p>Once upon a time, there was a king. Hmm. Better, but not quite.</p>
<p>Once upon a time, there was a man.</p>
<p>Ah, there we go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The (Less Than) Epic of Gilgamesh

**Author's Note:**

> this is the second version of this - the first version is [here](http://rethira.dreamwidth.org/6294.html)
> 
> this version has some updated scenes, more closely sticks to the canon, and I tried to keep the narrative tone a lot more in-line
> 
> and yes, the dialogue is intentionally like that
> 
> also I'd like to thank colette and aza for their input, especially with the pick up lines

Once upon a time, there was a mighty king.

Actually no.

Once upon a time, there was a king.

Hmm. Better, but not quite.

Once upon a time, there was a man.

Ah, there we go.

Once upon a time, there was a man. He was said to be two thirds god and one third man, but he was still just a man. Some named him _demon_ , for he was strong and intelligent, and called the most beautiful of men.

His name was Gilgamesh, and he was named King.

But he was a tyrannical king – a king not for his people, but for himself, and he claimed all those rights given to kings. He laid with any woman he chose, and any man he chose too, and he exhausted the country with his demands for more food, more temples, more buildings, more _everything_. When the people came to him and begged him to stop, he laughed and said he would not.

So the people turned to the gods, and asked them to stop him in their stead.

And the gods listened.

Enkidu was created from the earth. He was drawn out of it, carved from rock and clay, his features smoothed into beauty and his mind called into being. The gods laid only one message in his mind, and it was this – the greatest man is only a man.

And so Enkidu was.

At first it seemed as if the gods had done nothing. But it was then that the great king found himself plagued with dreams – first, he dreamt of a meteorite, fallen from the sky to land beside him. He dreamt that he tried to lift it, but it would not move, and that all of Uruk came to see it. He dreamt that he loved it, and embraced it as his wife, and took it before his mother, the goddess Ninsun, who blessed it.

Next, Gilgamesh dreamt of an axe and this too he loved and embraced as his wife, and that his mother blessed the axe as well.

He turned to his mother, asking for her interpretation and she said thus, “Huh? Oh yeah, you’re getting a boyfriend. Made just for you, kid, to be your best friend and lover or whatever. He’ll be good for you so make sure he sticks around.”

A trapper found the wild Enkidu, who was proud and naked and knew nothing of the world of man, and he called a woman to tame him.

It was said that the woman, Shamhat, laid with him for seven days and seven nights. She was heard to say, “He was hung like a fucking horse. Only a god could take that without tearing something. I wasn’t getting paid enough for that shit, even if he was nearly as pretty as the King himself.”

Nevertheless, Enkidu was introduced to the world of man, and soon enough he heard of Gilgamesh and was immediately incensed. He was further incensed when he discovered that the erstwhile king intended to take a man and his bride-to-be both the night before their wedding, and he burst into the room in which it was to occur, half naked and furious.

Gilgamesh looked up from between the woman’s thighs and said, “Well, I don’t think I’ll be needing you two after all.”

The grateful couple hurried out unnoticed and thusly missed Enkidu’s next move, which was to throw himself at their king and wrestle him to the floor. Gilgamesh was only slightly surprised, and fought back, fiercely enough that Enkidu knew he had lost.

“You really are as strong as they say, then,” he commented.

“Yep,” Gilgamesh agreed. Then, “Holy fuck, what the hell do you have in your pants?”

And when Enkidu revealed himself, Gilgamesh exclaimed most loudly, “I am _so_ riding that.”

I have heard it said that while neither man was seen for seven days and seven nights, they ate a great deal and made a great noise. When the pair finally emerged, their clothes were torn and they were bruised and bitten, and they acted as if they had been friends a hundred years rather than simply a week. Each held the other as a boon companion, and their smiles held all the glory and wonder of the rising sun.

Gilgamesh had many wives, but after his week with Enkidu, it was as if he forgot they existed. Even when he did attend them, he brought Enkidu with him, and they would lock eyes with each other and the room would be suddenly, alarmingly charged with tension, such that some of Gilgamesh’s wives would flee the room. On the rare occasion one of his wives stayed, she would find herself all but ignored, such attention did the men pay each other. One of Gilgamesh’s wives – his most favoured in fact, prior to Enkidu’s arrival – was heard to say, “I don’t even know why Enkidu’s in there. He doesn’t even get off, they just stare at each other over my head.”

After one such occasion, Gilgamesh’s wives gathered beyond his chamber door and pressed their ears against it, eager to hear any of their king’s secrets. And, after a while, so they did, for Gilgamesh said, “You must be tired from running around in my dreams all the time. Even before we met.”

Enkidu was heard to reply, “That is the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard.”

At this Gilgamesh laughed and said, “No, no this one is.” He cleared his throat and pronounced, “I know I’ve got the moves, but I heard you’re an animal in bed.” He then proceeded to roar, in a manner similar to that of the lions he resembled.

It is said that Enkidu then regarded Gilgamesh most solemnly and replied, “You would know, idiot.”

One day, Gilgamesh suggested to his great partner, that perhaps they should defeat the monstrous Humbaba together.

Enkidu replied, “Come back to bed, dammit.”

“You’re not listening.”

“I can _barely hear_ , you were screaming my name so loud.”

(Rumour has it Gilgamesh pouted most adorably at this point, but it is widely believed that this is a lie.)

Nevertheless, Gilgamesh managed to convince Enkidu to accompany him – but first Enkidu bade Gilgamesh to seek the blessing of the gods. It is believed that Gilgamesh replied, “Awesome, I’ll introduce you to my mother, she’ll love you, it’ll be great.”

They travelled hence to visit the goddess, Ninsun, and she greeted them with a booming voice. “Took you long enough,” she said. “Been too busy with your new boy-toy to visit your own mother? Shame on you, Gilgamesh.”

Gilgamesh’s reply was thus, “I was _busy_.”

The great goddess laughed uproariously, and spoke, “Yeah I know, everyone’s keeping an eye on you two. _Lotta_ gods having to discreetly excuse themselves, if you know what I mean.”

Incensed, Gilgamesh cried, “If they’re so busy perving on us then they can make themselves useful! Get one of them to help us out with Humbaba!”

Ninsun agreed to this, and spoke with the sun-god Shamash; Shamash listened intently to Ninsun’s words, and decided to lend Gilgamesh and Enkidu both support and protection. Ninsun carried Shamash’s word back to her son, wishing him luck on his journey.

Before they left she called out to Enkidu, and then embraced him and said, “Listen, you’re my son too now- I know, I know, that kinda makes you and Gilgamesh brothers but honestly, he’s two thirds god, do you think anyone will really care?”

Enkidu bowed his head and replied, “Well, I’m made out of clay so.”

“Good point,” the goddess conceded, and then bade farewell to both her sons.

And so they travelled to Cedar Mountain, where Humbaba lived, pausing each night to camp and perform dream rituals.

On the first night, a cold wind blew through their camp, and Gilgamesh dreamt that a mountain fell upon them. He woke shaking and he turned to Enkidu and embraced him, saying, “I miss when the prophetic dreams were about my future boyfriend and his hot ass.”

Enkidu laughed and replied, “Not all prophetic dreams can be about my ass,” and then set about restoring Gilgamesh’s spirits.

According to legend, Gilgamesh said, “You know, Cedar Mountain is home to Ishtar, the goddess of love.”

“Sounds like a good omen to me,” Enkidu commented, as he began to restore the king’s spirits most thoroughly.

On the second night, Gilgamesh dreamt again, this time of a wild bull, and again Enkidu brought him comfort. So it was on the third night too, when Gilgamesh dreamt of a bolt of lightning, and the fourth and fifths nights too, and each night Enkidu comforted the king and spoke with surety that each dream was a good omen, and that the gods themselves did bless their journey.

“When they’re not watching us fuck, you mean,” Gilgamesh said.

Enkidu considered this and when he finally spoke again it was to say, “They can probably multitask.”

But finally they came upon Humbaba and they slew it quickly and efficiently and together Gilgamesh and Enkidu crowed out their glory, before turning to embrace one another once more.

“I am so turned on right now, you don’t even know,” Gilgamesh murmured.

“Yeah I do, your dick’s pressed against my thigh,” Enkidu replied.

They lay down together as husband and wife, tumbling to the forest floor, unmindful of Humbaba’s hulking carcass. Indeed, they were unmindful of anything save each other for a time, embracing each other most passionately.

When finally they split apart, Enkidu looked upon Gilgamesh and commented, “You look like more of a prostitute than the prostitute who tamed me.” Gilgamesh reared upright, leaves falling from his golden hair, so Enkidu laughed and said, “But you are yet more beautiful than the sun and the stars and the sky itself,” and so Gilgamesh was placated.

He exclaimed, “And you are the sweet talking moon to my ravishing sun.”

And the gods, who watched with ever observant eyes, declared that thus the problem of Gilgamesh was solved at last, and quietly excused themselves.


End file.
